Steps for Steph

My daughter , Stephanie, died by suicide one day after we celebrated her 17th birthday.  I found her lying on her bed as if taking a nap like she always did after school but her lips were blue and I knew something was wrong.  I dragged her body to the floor and administered CPR.  White foam flowed from her mouth.  The paramedics continued CPR but could not revive her.  That was the worst day of my entire life.  I live not only with grief but the trauma of seeing her and experiencing failed CPR.  This was April 7th, 2003.

Putting my life back together has been a very difficult process.   When I got back to work, I found they had moved me to a different position with no responsibility.  I felt it was the most evil action anyone could have taken against me.  The school district in which my daughter’s high school was housed would not let me meet with Stephanie’s friends on campus after school to talk about our grief.  Their philosophy was if you don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist, and it won’t happen again.  Yes, stigma is alive and well.

I was asked the following year by Stephanie’s Senior Class Council to give the graduation speech at what would have been my daughter’s high school graduation.  Again the school district disallowed me from being a part of the ceremony.  Her name went unmentioned.

I quit my job, lost my next 2 jobs, then was diagnosed with breast cancer.  After undergoing radiation therapy I am fully cured but life has definitely been an uphill struggle. I think people, even my closest friends believe that I should “be better” by now.  But I really can’t tell you what “better” looks like other than giving and receiving love.  It’s the only thing I live for now.

I take an active role to prevent suicide.  We have about 33,000 deaths by suicide a year in the U.S.  This is more deaths than deaths by homicide!  If I save just one single life, I will feel successful.  My hope is to end the stigma associated with mental illness, foster better coordination of mental health care among those who treat us:  counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists.  I also hope for zero suicides and a society that will begin to understand that mental illness is just a brain disease like any othe.  It CAN be managed and should not be feared.